A State of Zen

So, it's been a while. I haven't written much lately because, besides the obvious time constraints of finals and such, I've not been able to think straight. There has been so much going on in my head, so much stress and so much pain, that I've not been sure how to put it into words; nothing I can say will do the chaos justice. There is simply too much.

Perhaps I am weak. Perhaps my level of tolerance is too low. Perhaps I wasn't meant for this. Whatever the reason, I've finally reached my limit and entered a state of zen. Entered a condition of complete accedence and self-renunciation. A feeling of numb calmness and spiritless acquiescence has washed over me and guides my actions. I'm at a point where there is just too much for me to handle, where if I let myself think too hard I will break. So I don't think. I don't feel. To do so would be suicide; thus, I've shut down those parts of my brain for fear of overload. I don't cry, because I am emotionless and unconcerned. I have to be. I suppose you could say I've started practicing the element of Taoism known as Wu Wei ("without doing or causing to occur"). Apathetically I "flow like river, reflect like a mirror, and respond like an echo." I just let whatever is going to happen, happen. And I smile.

I think that perhaps I like this new state I've discovered. It's light, airy, and things are now inexplicibly clear. Perhaps it's because the things that once caused me confusion and strife now don't matter. I don't let them. Disconnected from all emotion (except for my occasional frustration at my siblings for arguing with each other), I walk around in a bubble and let nothing touch me. Oh, how nice denial is. How wonderful to be surrounded (if only in my mind) by bunnies and flowers and other such pleasant things. Ignore-ance truly is bliss.