I have noticed my that my English is slipping a bit these days. It's the influence of these blasted Brits; not only are they affecting my spelling (favourite, honour, and theatre, but never analyse), they're also changing my phraseology. If there were such a thing as grammar police (Audrey, pretend you're not reading any of this), I would surely be thrown in the stocks for my crimes. Following is a list of grammatically incorrect phrases that I have actually used in the past 3 weeks.
1. Me. Used as a possessive, this word is often heard in a sentence such as, "Alright, who was the stupid git who knicked me bit of cake?" Penalty: 3 years.
2. Round. As in, "Would you like to come round for supper tonight?" English says that the proper word would be around, but the Brits seem to leave off the small-but-oh-so-essential 'a'. Penalty: 6 months per offense, equaling 3.5 years. (I think.)
3. Were stood. This is offensive for two reasons. Reason 1: 'were'. Reason 2: 'stood'. This phrase is used in a sentence such as, "I were stood outside all day while it was chucking down." While I most often say "I was stood," I have been caught using 'were'. Penalty: 10 years.
4. Do, done, etc. Added to the ends of sentences, to emphasize, well, I'm not quite sure what's being emphasized. When asked a question, many Brits will respond with "We could do." or "I should have done." I can't actually say whether or not it's grammatically incorrect to say those things, but I just thought that, while we were on the subject, they should be mentioned. Penalty: A disparaging look from Audrey.
5. To, of, etc. This is not a crime of inclusion, but of exclusion. ‘To’ and ‘of’ are small but quite essential words that too often get left out of sentences, as in, “I’m going to go up (‘to’ is appropriate here) the top; I’ll meet you there.” Penalty: 6 months per offense, equaling approx. 7 years.
Using my excellent math skills, I have determined that the total time I shall spend in the stocks is equal to 23.5 years. This poses a problem, as I was planning on getting married in 2 months. I hope that Scott is patient enough to wait it out. 23.5 years? Surely it will fly by.
The most pressing question on my mind, however, is: Will I get bathroom breaks?
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Monday, May 08, 2006
Suds
In celebration of her 21st birthday, this entry is dedicated to one of my favourite people in the whole world: Audrey Hunter.
I love everyone, as anyone who knows me can attest to, and though I tell many people off-handedly that they are my 'new favourite', that manifestation of affection is casual (though not in the slightest bit feigned) and short-lived. I have few true out-and-out favourites. However, Audrey couldn't help but make the list - even if she had tried hard to make an enemy of me, I still would have liked her. Or, if not liked, at least admired and respected. She's just one of those people.
When Audrey and I first met, we weren't friends. We knew each other very casually, partly from the fact that we were in the same American Heritage class and partly because we both visited the same apartment of boys on a regualr basis. We even had an interest in the same boy, though on different levels - my interest was more of a curiosity and a passing crush, while Audrey's was longer-lived, more acted-upon, and definitely more unretractable. Due to our mutual affection for this boy, there was always some amount of competition between us, though it was never really acknowledged or even strong enough to be of much notice. Four months after I met her, Audrey went away for the summer. Because I didn't know her well, I was surprised when I noticed her absence. There was a presence that was lacking at the Riviera when she left. I surprised myself when I admitted that I really missed her, and made sure to be around the night she returned to Utah - before she had even moved back into her apartment. I don't remember much of our relationship between then and being friends, but I know that my wonder at her quickly turned from intimidation to veneration.
How do I love Audrey? Let me count the ways.
Audrey is fantastic to be around. She is clever and funny, and a fountain of imformation about things that I never knew but always wanted to. She will happily sing at the top of her lungs around anyone with whom she feels comfortable, and make up her own words if she doesn't know the original lyrics. She likes to read aloud. She memorizes poems, movies, books, songs, and other quotes she thinks she might possibly be able to use again someday or that she simply likes the sound of. She loves puppies, bunnies, flowers, and all things soft and gentle. She is beautiful and elegant. She cries at movies, particularly ones about friendship; she loves the classics and films suited for the family. She misses theatre. She is easily bribed by cheese, milk, flatteries, and other such simplicities - but is it not so much the offering itself, as the fact that it is being offered by a friend. The bribes are merely tokens of reciprocated affection and loyalty. I not only like Audrey, I adore her.
Audrey is a wonderful person. She is quick to be sardonic and witty, but is serious when the situation calls for it. I never worry about being laughed at or looked down upon when I speak to Audrey. She knows when I need to laugh about something, when I need to talk about it, and when I need simply to cry. She is understanding. In many respects she knows me better than I know myself, and I often go to her to ask her what I think about something. She is loyal to a fault, and fiercely protective of those she loves. She loves genuinely and easily, and gives of herself often; she is observant but non-judgmental. She is simply a good person.
Audrey will be a bridesmaid at my wedding, and I can hardly think of anyone I would rather have. She will stress about all the things that I won't, and be level-headed when I am anything but. She will dress up in an elegant navy blue gown, and flounce about giggling like a schoolgirl at the excitement of it all. I will hug her and probably laugh out of pure adoration at her delight and merriment. She will wink at me from across the reception hall, stay tied to our close-knit group of roommates, and then finally stand up alone to make a speech that I will either cry or blush at. Perhaps I will do both.
There are so many more things I could say about Audrey, but then this blog entry would end up being a novel. In short, she is someone whose friendship I will always cherish, whom I will be eternally grateful to know, and who will never be far from my thoughts. After all, she is my favourite.
I love everyone, as anyone who knows me can attest to, and though I tell many people off-handedly that they are my 'new favourite', that manifestation of affection is casual (though not in the slightest bit feigned) and short-lived. I have few true out-and-out favourites. However, Audrey couldn't help but make the list - even if she had tried hard to make an enemy of me, I still would have liked her. Or, if not liked, at least admired and respected. She's just one of those people.
When Audrey and I first met, we weren't friends. We knew each other very casually, partly from the fact that we were in the same American Heritage class and partly because we both visited the same apartment of boys on a regualr basis. We even had an interest in the same boy, though on different levels - my interest was more of a curiosity and a passing crush, while Audrey's was longer-lived, more acted-upon, and definitely more unretractable. Due to our mutual affection for this boy, there was always some amount of competition between us, though it was never really acknowledged or even strong enough to be of much notice. Four months after I met her, Audrey went away for the summer. Because I didn't know her well, I was surprised when I noticed her absence. There was a presence that was lacking at the Riviera when she left. I surprised myself when I admitted that I really missed her, and made sure to be around the night she returned to Utah - before she had even moved back into her apartment. I don't remember much of our relationship between then and being friends, but I know that my wonder at her quickly turned from intimidation to veneration.
How do I love Audrey? Let me count the ways.
Audrey is fantastic to be around. She is clever and funny, and a fountain of imformation about things that I never knew but always wanted to. She will happily sing at the top of her lungs around anyone with whom she feels comfortable, and make up her own words if she doesn't know the original lyrics. She likes to read aloud. She memorizes poems, movies, books, songs, and other quotes she thinks she might possibly be able to use again someday or that she simply likes the sound of. She loves puppies, bunnies, flowers, and all things soft and gentle. She is beautiful and elegant. She cries at movies, particularly ones about friendship; she loves the classics and films suited for the family. She misses theatre. She is easily bribed by cheese, milk, flatteries, and other such simplicities - but is it not so much the offering itself, as the fact that it is being offered by a friend. The bribes are merely tokens of reciprocated affection and loyalty. I not only like Audrey, I adore her.
Audrey is a wonderful person. She is quick to be sardonic and witty, but is serious when the situation calls for it. I never worry about being laughed at or looked down upon when I speak to Audrey. She knows when I need to laugh about something, when I need to talk about it, and when I need simply to cry. She is understanding. In many respects she knows me better than I know myself, and I often go to her to ask her what I think about something. She is loyal to a fault, and fiercely protective of those she loves. She loves genuinely and easily, and gives of herself often; she is observant but non-judgmental. She is simply a good person.
Audrey will be a bridesmaid at my wedding, and I can hardly think of anyone I would rather have. She will stress about all the things that I won't, and be level-headed when I am anything but. She will dress up in an elegant navy blue gown, and flounce about giggling like a schoolgirl at the excitement of it all. I will hug her and probably laugh out of pure adoration at her delight and merriment. She will wink at me from across the reception hall, stay tied to our close-knit group of roommates, and then finally stand up alone to make a speech that I will either cry or blush at. Perhaps I will do both.
There are so many more things I could say about Audrey, but then this blog entry would end up being a novel. In short, she is someone whose friendship I will always cherish, whom I will be eternally grateful to know, and who will never be far from my thoughts. After all, she is my favourite.
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