I have noticed my that my English is slipping a bit these days. It's the influence of these blasted Brits; not only are they affecting my spelling (favourite, honour, and theatre, but never analyse), they're also changing my phraseology. If there were such a thing as grammar police (Audrey, pretend you're not reading any of this), I would surely be thrown in the stocks for my crimes. Following is a list of grammatically incorrect phrases that I have actually used in the past 3 weeks.
1. Me. Used as a possessive, this word is often heard in a sentence such as, "Alright, who was the stupid git who knicked me bit of cake?" Penalty: 3 years.
2. Round. As in, "Would you like to come round for supper tonight?" English says that the proper word would be around, but the Brits seem to leave off the small-but-oh-so-essential 'a'. Penalty: 6 months per offense, equaling 3.5 years. (I think.)
3. Were stood. This is offensive for two reasons. Reason 1: 'were'. Reason 2: 'stood'. This phrase is used in a sentence such as, "I were stood outside all day while it was chucking down." While I most often say "I was stood," I have been caught using 'were'. Penalty: 10 years.
4. Do, done, etc. Added to the ends of sentences, to emphasize, well, I'm not quite sure what's being emphasized. When asked a question, many Brits will respond with "We could do." or "I should have done." I can't actually say whether or not it's grammatically incorrect to say those things, but I just thought that, while we were on the subject, they should be mentioned. Penalty: A disparaging look from Audrey.
5. To, of, etc. This is not a crime of inclusion, but of exclusion. ‘To’ and ‘of’ are small but quite essential words that too often get left out of sentences, as in, “I’m going to go up (‘to’ is appropriate here) the top; I’ll meet you there.” Penalty: 6 months per offense, equaling approx. 7 years.
Using my excellent math skills, I have determined that the total time I shall spend in the stocks is equal to 23.5 years. This poses a problem, as I was planning on getting married in 2 months. I hope that Scott is patient enough to wait it out. 23.5 years? Surely it will fly by.
The most pressing question on my mind, however, is: Will I get bathroom breaks?
4 comments:
oh darling, I love it!
I'm not about to wait 23.5 years--you're too good-looking. Guess I'll just have to break you out of gaol.
*falls off chair laughing*
is it true that people there use the phrase "read you out" rather than "read a list" like -i will read you out a few suggestions we have come up with-????
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