“I love you, I’m just not IN love with you”

3 September 2005
How do you let someone down? Gently, without being vague or “too nice”. How do you tell them that they’re not that special someone? That they’re special, to be sure, because /everyone/ is special, but they’re decidedly not the one meant for you? Perhaps you should say simply, “Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now?” Yes, that would do the trick; I think I shall try it. No more making up excuses such as “You wouldn't believe the amount of homework I have...” to get out of a Saturday night date. No more hiding in my room to avoid facing someone. No more having my roommate call my mobile to escape an uncomfortable confrontation. Good-bye, unease. Good-bye, unwanted attention. Good-bye, Josh. Enough. Finished now.

If only it were that simple, to push someone aside so easily without fear of hurting their feelings. A harsh rejection could have lasting effects. But, despite the potential for injury, sometimes it must be done. After all, a little honesty at the beginning is better than the harsh reality later, right? With this in mind I approached Saturday.

I knew it had to be done. I had given Josh the wrong impression of how I felt about him, and it was causing difficulties – it was up to me to correct it. Thus far I had been able to avoid going out with him, but I could only keep up the excuses for so long…plus, it just wasn’t fair. But how to do it? There was always the cheap option of getting a roommate to do the dirty work – so I wouldn’t have to feel like the mean one. That’s what Julies are good for! Or sending an e-mail, to avoid dealing with a reaction. No, that was cheap as well. I would have to communicate directly with Joshua, live and streaming, so that I would have to feel the full effects of my words. At least, as much as Josh was willing show.

Friday night Joshua phoned me and extended an invitation for dinner on Sunday, which I declined by saying that my roommates and I already had plans for dinner with Jocilyn. He invited me to have leftovers on Monday, but I was already working. What I should have said was “Joshua, I’m afraid I’ve given you the wrong impression. I’m flattered, but I’m just not interested.” I didn’t say that, and as soon as I hung up the phone I felt guilty. Why couldn’t I just say it? I was presented with the perfect opportunity, and I had passed it up. Chickened out. Acted like the yellow-bellied peace-maker that I am. The second I hung up the phone I regretted it, and had I had his phone number I’d have called him right back and remedied the situation. Instead, I went to sleep that night determined that the next time an opportunity like that came up, I would /not/ pass it up.

I didn’t have to wait long. Saturday dawned earlier than I’d have wished, and reluctantly I got up and faced the hours of homework I knew I had. The BYU football team faced an equally formidable foe that day: Boston College. During the game I sat with my computer on my lap, attempting to do homework in between shouts of “What!!?? You stupid, freaking, ***!!! What the **** kind of call was that? Hey, Watkins, how about you try catching a couple of those passes!” Our poor team was being slaughtered. Well, is slaughtered really an accurate term…? Oh, yes. It is. 21-7 /is/ kind of sad. While the Cougars were trying to win the game, I was trying to win in the battle against my anger (ie. not throwing things across the room)…and Joshua was once again trying to win me over. I was the only one of the three that succeeded, as BYU lost horribly and Joshua was gently rejected. Despite my desire to be doing anything except what I was planning on doing, I braced myself and, seeing my opportunity, grabbed it.

I started out as gently as I could, telling him that I felt I had to be upfront and honest. Halfway through the conversation I second-guessed myself and wondered if I'd said the right thing, but had to realize that it was already said. Audrey watched as I squirmed, wishing the conversation was already over, and like a good friend she held onto my arm and encouraged me. She had been telling me for a while, after all, that even though I myself knew I wasn't interested in Josh, he needed to be informed. As I writhed in awkwardness and remembered my strong dislike of confrontation, Audrey let me squeeze the very life out of her hand - I dug my fingernails into her palm and undoubtedly left marks. Bless Audrey.