Expert

My 3-year-old nephew Porter asked me a couple nights ago, "Tarythe, what are you an expert on?"

It was a simple question, but it got me thinking. What am I good at? And what am I good for?

For a while I've been a little down, trying to not feel badly about myself. First there's the fact that I rarely think highly of myself: I know better than to believe that I'm a good person. Then there's Scott's family, whom I absolutely adore but who completely leave me behind when it comes to knowledge and education. I'm the only one in the family who doesn't yet have a degree, including Scott's 22-year-old baby sister, and only 3 out of the 8 family members have Bachelors. The rest have Masters or PhDs. They don't treat me like I'm worth less than they are, but it's hard not to feel inferior when I wish that I could participate in their conversations, but realize that I don't know what they're talking about and therefore have nothing intelligent to add. I often feel pretty silly even being around, pretending as though I merit being there. Pile onto that the fact that despite the many applications I had filled out and turned in, I didn't have a job and didn't even have any interviews. If I had any kind of skills or experience or qualifications, why hadn't I received any phone calls? Especially when there had been a couple managers who seemed very enthusiastic when I'd handed in the application: "Oh, great! Well, we'll be hiring in the next week or two." And then...nothing. Waiting after a while gets wearing.

So I've decided to make a short list of a few things I think I'm good at, to try and force myself into thinking positively. This is not to brag, and those of you who know me know that this kind of a list comes only out of need.

1. I'm good with children. I get told this all the time, and while I sometimes doubt my expertise, I know that I love being with them, so perhaps I do have a gift. In any case, a simple love for something can often create or build up a talent. Living so close to Porter and Penelope makes me much happier than I would be without having family around.

2. I'm good at packing. A simple talent I know, and perhaps not very impressive one, but it certainly came in handy when I was moving and we had to fit all of our stuff in the car. It has also been helpful when I travel, because it means I can pack a lot of stuff into a small amount of space. Everyone thinks I'm traveling lightly, but really I'm just traveling efficiently. When I flew to Utah for a few days recently, I had only a backpack...but in it I had regular clothes, clothes for the funeral, pajamas, snacks, a water bottle (which of course I was forced to leave at security - I had forgotten about the 'no liquids' rule), reading books, a SuDoKu book, scriptures, papers, and I'm sure other things. A bit odd perhaps, but I've always taken pride in my ability in the way of spacial orientation.

3. I'm a good diplomat. I'm not manipulative (which is why I'm not in politics and not a diplomat professionally), but I know how to work with people. I'm naturally social. I relate to people and can very quickly make them comfortable around me. I usually like people right off the bat. At the same time I'm pretty shy, so this is often an interesting balance.

4. I'm a good homemaker. I never thought I would be, but I am. And the only reason I know this is because my husband tells me. Every day. He comes home from school and tells me with a big smile, a hug, and a kiss. That's how I know I'm doing a good job. I even cook for him; I used to hate cooking with a passion, but now I have someone to cook for (if it were just me, I would probably still be happy eating only cereal, corn torillas, cheese, and ice cream). And I enjoy doing it. I'm a good homemaker because I keep my home in such a state that others are comfortable being here; and more importantly, *I'm* comfortable being here. Other than the 8 months I lived with the girls in 99, it's been a while since home has equaled comfort for me.

I think 4 things are enough - this is the point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable talking about myself, and I know that if I don't post this soon I'll chicken out and erase the whole thing.

It's taken me 2 days to write it already. This kind of thing really shouldn't be so hard.